Time to finally send 2020 out the door. I have to say this year was absolutely horrible and November 2020 was the lowest I’ve ever been in my life. I am battling stage 4 Lymphoma while trying to recover strength and control of my lower body after the tumor nearly paralyzed by spinal cord. During a pandemic. Living alone in a red state surrounded by many people who think Covid19 is a hoax.
This nearly broke me. There were times I didn’t know how I’d get through and I have to admit I contemplated suicide in my darkest moments. I didn’t make plans to carry it out but the thought crossed my mind. I would have reached out if those thoughts became pervasive but that is where the mind goes in moments of despair. Mental health is a thing and none of us are exempt from the effects of stress and doubt. I wasn't suicidal but I thought about suicide.
I have since regained hope and I believe there is a real possibility that I can beat cancer and get most of the use of my legs back. My cancer doctor tells me I have 80-85% chance for a complete cure. There is much uncertainty but I might survive 5, 10, 15, or 20 years. Perhaps longer. I can walk and control my body functions but I’m well below my normal strength so I have a long road ahead there as well.
I am normally a very independent person but a situation like this forces one to reach out for help. Many people were instrumental in my recovery to this point. First and foremost is my father James Klusman who dropped everything and drove twelve hours to stay with me and help me recover from the emergency surgery that saved my legs. The rest of my family has been very supportive as well as local friends who have showered me with wonderful food, provided transportation, and even helped scoop out Oscar’s litter box. The medical people who are healing my body are some of the finest I’ve encountered.
I am now through two rounds of chemo including something nicknamed “The Red Devil” that apparently chews up cancer and spits it out. Along with other parts of your body. I’m lucky that I cope with the chemo with very little side effects so far. I don’t take anything for granted but I’m hopeful that the rest of the chemo treatments are similar. I am scheduled for a PET scan next week to determine the progress of the treatments. Hopefully the scan shows the chemo is working to shrink what remains of the tumor.
I cannot thank you all enough for the love and support. I apologize for not responding to all of your messages and comments. I love and appreciate all of you. There are too many of you to name but you know who you are and I never would have made it through without you. Those of you out there suffering your own battles I’m thinking of you as well. Cry when you need to and find comfort where you can.
May 2021 be the year we get back to normal again.
Paul Klusman
PS Please do not send gifts or flowers. Instead donate to your favorite charity.
I have followed your Facebook since I found it, and your YouTube since you first released your big viral piece. It has been a privilege to know your inner thoughts and workings, and I wish you nothing but the best as you beat the everlovin' shit out of cancer's ass. I'm glad Oscar is taking his job as your nursemaid very seriously.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Renn Bice
hugs to you Paul... wishing you all things good for the new year.. thanks for sharing ...
ReplyDeleteI am grateful to hear your story. I've been praying for you for the last few weeks. Loved you since your first viral video, you have the BEST dry humor and have brought much laughter and joy to the world. This has been a bitch of a year, but this time next year will be different!!! You will have some strength back! You will be able to go on walks, to look around outside, to regain your health. In the meantime, mental health is our biggest challenge - so many people going through the darkness. Thanks for the update, you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best!
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best. My nephew survived stags 4 lymphoma in 2017. He is doing so well now. I believe that you too will be able to overcome this hurdle and thrive. ❤️
ReplyDeleteHave enjoyed your cat posts and videos over the years, thank you so much. Wishing you a gentle and full recovery and sending many hugs. Happy to hear you have so much love and support. Please take care.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a wonderful 2021 and a full recovery.
ReplyDeleteoh, paul...we have never met, but i've been privileged to be your facebook friend for years. in all that time, you have been a model for others to follow of intelligence, wit, courage, and integrity. lean on your friends and loved ones, both two-legged and four-legged. you are not alone. with their love, you got this.
ReplyDeletePAUL, i am sending positive thoughts your way and I'm praying for your recovery. I absolutely love your cat videos and I hope to see a post that your recovery is positive. Take care, my friend and Happy New Year. Mary Patterson
ReplyDeleteYour videos have been a source of joy since the very first one. Finding you on facebook has helped me keep my goofy liberal head held high the past 4 years. Someday I hope to actually meet you and fan girl the hell out. Keep fighting Paul. You are more important to the world than you will ever realize.
ReplyDeleteAll this 100% ❤️
DeleteThank you for all you and and do. It is difficult being independent when you need help to survive. You are fortunate for your father and your loyal kitties. Blessings to you for a speedy recovery.
ReplyDeleteHugs, get well.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone above is saying-- you are such a beacon of light, humor, knowledge, and conscienciousness. I understand your thoughts of suicide, and am happy that you could express that, and that you are in a more hopeful place now. Your life is important in the world, and I'm keeping you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteGod be with you, Paul.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Mark (LBSS '86)
Happy New Year Paul! I hope 2021 will be kinder to you, and to all of us. I have been suicidal in my life and I am grateful I hung around, it does get better. I hope you will have a complete recovery from your battles. I've heard visualization helps visualize the medicine going in and chomping on the cancer cells much like pacman I guess. Oh and don't forget laughter is the best medicine so lots of comedies. Sending you love, light and healing energies. I'm in your corner and won't be far away. Love and Best wishes from Canada and me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the update Paul. Shocked to hear your news. So many fell in love with yours and TJ's hearts and crazy sense of humour leaving the biggest smiles on our faces. I still return to my fave Cat Engineers video on YouTube where I first discovered you then converted other to go and have a laugh. Then you hooked me in again with your social and political conscience and I felt even more in tune with you though I live in the UK. Everybody has their own journey when we are given news that we have Cancer. There are as you know so many types but the only advise I can give if you wanted any that is, is to remember we all have different physiology and health considerations during our time of treatment. I have radiation disease and lymphedema caused by treatment of cervical cancer but am still here to tell the tale although it still impacts on my life I have much joy and am still active. There were times I wasn't and I tried to gain info from everyone and anyone without much success. Eventually with the emergence of FB private social groups which specialise on group support along with our 'Macmillan Cancer Service' online and their medically qualified advisors and their community groups which specialise in a particular type of Cancer I found out so very much about which questions to ask, what treatments are available and side effects they do or don't have and I've discovered that lots of information is learned via these patient groups. Of course you do get the odd nutcase who shouldn't be listened to but you can spot them a mile off and opt to not interact with them. Remember you're body is unique to you and will react in a completely different way to Joe Bloggs who has the exact same condition in the next bed, seat whatever. Never be afraid to ask or challenge those who are treating you until you are satisfied and learn to question everything. I have had the best and the worst care and for the most part they do all they can do 100% but if you get a sense that someone isn't listening then make them listen and answer you. You'll soon learn that Cancer is all about waiting. Waiting for the test to have done, waiting for the outcome and on and on. It is a tiring process and makes us focus on ourselves when we most want to forget and just be 'normal' I am sending you so much love and positivity. Rest as much as you need to and focus on what doing what you can that will make you happy during these times. Big love Val xx
ReplyDeleteI want to help, however I can. Don't hesitate to point it out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the update, Paul. I visited your blog after your recent poem update, wandered into what you've been upto in 2020 and caught up with the news. I'm sorry about situation. Covid itself had been awful in 2020, and to be going through chemo during such a medically tense time can't be easy. Nevertheless, this internet stranger was glad to read your updates and see a pic of you and your cat. I see that even with 2020 slamming you harder than ever, you still have the joyful twinkle in your eyes. Glad to see that. I wish you a good recovery.
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