The other night I went to an art show. The last Friday of each month is a city-wide open house event where you get to visit different art studios and rub elbows with sophisticated art people and admire the creative talents of passionate artists from our community. I have an appreciation for art so I like to go to these things and I also like to girl watch.
My buddy Ryan was going to join because he likes art and culture and he also likes to girl watch but really he does have an appreciation for the finer things in life and he is rather sophisticated so he fits in well at an art show. Unfortunately he also tends to get rather sophisticated migraine headaches, which he did that evening so I had to go solo.
The art was pretty cool, and quite a few of the displays involved video technology and one even had a deal where you could move your hand against a wall and a digital projected scene would create glowing sparkles that followed your hand.
They also had some grilled mac-and-cheese sandwiches and those were awesome except I have to be careful because too much dairy can give me a bit of acid reflux. I'm on some pretty good medication so that's usually not a problem, and for that matter I suppose staring at art for too long can make your eyes tired and I do spend most of my days staring at a computer screen so my eyes get kind of dried out especially in the winter.
So I got my fill of mac-and-cheese sandwiches and art, and towards the end of the event I wandered into a smaller room that wasn't part of the art show but was a small business involving some cool email application for smart phones. They were having an open house and two ladies started telling me about the email product for smart phones so I had to show them my phone:
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| No for real, ask your Grandpa: Can I have his hand-me-down cell phone? |
Yes, that IS my cell phone. It has two unique safety features:
1) Nobody would ever want to steal it.
2) The buttons are rubbed off and the keypad doesn't really look like a keypad and it is rather confusing so I'm the only one who knows how to use the phone.
It used to be that people would tell me, "Oh my GAWD you need to get a new phone!" but now people are like, "WOAH!! Is that REALLY your phone??!! That is SO AWESOME!! Hold on, I need to get a picture..." Yes, people actually do take pictures of my cell phone with their cell phone, and post the picture of my cell phone online where I can't see it because I can't see online with my cell phone.
Anyway, I was showing off my antiquated cell phone to these two ladies and they were pretty amazed. I was pretty amazed because the ladies were quite attractive. One of them had this really unique blue hair, sort of like a light metallic blue tint sort of thing, and I was a bit more drawn to her but really they were both very nice ladies. I might in fact call them "hot" as in "hot chicks" but that is not very sophisticated and I try to be sophisticated at an art show like Ryan, and Ryan doesn't normally use that sort of term so neither do I.
I was explaining to the attractive ladies that my cell phone can make and receive phone calls and it has voice mail and it can send and receive text messages, and wouldn't you know it just then I received a text so it was the perfect opportunity to demonstrate this functionality. The text was from Ryan and it said, "How is the show? Any hot chicks?" I showed it to the ladies and they were... less than impressed. The hottest one with the blue hair was particularly not impressed.
So then I wasn't really sure what to do. I just struck out talking about my fancy cell phone, and at that point I could... describe my acid reflux caused by too many mac-and-cheese sandwiches or my dried eyes from looking at too much art. I could mention that I have a condition called blepharitis that causes clogged oil glands at the base of my eye lashes which makes my eye lids swell a bit and turn slightly pink. I actually do have this condition. It's not that bad, though. With proper treatment like rubbing my eyes I can have a mostly normal life like other people.
So after a bit of awkward conversation I put my phone away and wandered off to see what else I could see. I stopped to get some coffee and had a conversation with a woman who was writing a blog about her efforts to conceive a child, I admired some more art, I stood by and watched an impromptu game of pictionary for a bit, and then a particularly drunk fellow wandered by and said hello.
Drunk:
"How are you?"
Me:
"Good! How are you?"
Drunk:
"Fantastic!"
Me:
"This is a good time isn't it?"
Drunk:
"It IS! Yes!"
Me:
"Are you an art enthusiast?"
Drunk:
"(pause) not really. But I live within walking distance and what else is there to do on a Friday night around here."
Me:
"You're not into the art?"
Drunk:
"Nah. Are you?"
Me:
"It's OK. Some of it's good."
Drunk:
"Most people here... don't really give a F*** about the art. They just like to come hang out."
Me:
"Like you."
Drunk:
"Like me. And you."
Me:
"Indeed."
(pause...)
Me:
"I like to girl watch."
Drunk:
"Oh yes. That one there. Nice big T*** and some good hips. I'd love it with her."
Me:
"I understand she is trying to get pregnant."
Drunk:
"Oh I could help out with that! I'd love it. And that one there, she's very pretty. Look how pretty she is."
Me:
"The one playing pictionary?"
Drunk:
"No the one over... well yes the pictionary girl is pretty, but I'm talking about the one over there. With the hat."
Me:
"Oh yes very pretty."
Drunk:
"Very pretty. I'd LOVE it with her!"
Me:
"I don't know if she is trying to get pregnant."
Drunk:
"Most of them aren't. But that's OK."
Me:
"Agreed."
(pause)
Me:
"I think we are having the most genuine conversation of anyone here."
Drunk:
"We are. Everyone else is having some BS conversation about the art, but this is real."
Me:
"A real conversation"
Drunk:
"Yes."
(pause)
Drunk:
"I'm going to go away, now."
Me:
"OK. Nice chatting with you."
Drunk:
"Nice chatting with you. I'll see if I can get lucky. Take someone home."
Me:
"Or look at some more art."
Drunk:
"MOST people don't give a F*** about the art."
Me:
"I don't."
Drunk:
"Me too! F*** it!"
Me:
"F*** it!"
So then it was my turn for pictionary. I got "Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits" and I drew a stick-man kneeling and then a ring with a diamond and then a hand hitting a stick-man on the head and I also put in a blank: Kneeling + Diamond Ring + (blank) + Hitting someone, and somebody guessed "Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits" and then it was time to go.
On the way out I paused by a small group with the hot chick with the blue hair. One of her friends was showing off various small toys she had in her purse that her kids had left behind in the car that day. Out came a little pink pony and then a little blue pony. She gave the blue pony to me and the pink one to the hot chick with the blue hair. I was going to suggest that in some cultures this indicated that we were now married, but then the hot chick with the blue hair switched the ponies so that she had the blue one (to match her hair) and I had the pink one (to match my dry swollen pink eye lids) and then she wandered away.
I felt badly that the kids might miss their pink pony so I gave it back to the lady with the purse and wandered off. I don't know if the blue pony was ever returned by the hot chick with the blue hair. It seems like the lady with the purse knew the hot chick with the blue hair pretty well so I'd venture to guess that the blue pony eventually made it back as well. Or perhaps the blue pony got to go home with the hot chick with the blue hair. I don't think that pony even gave a F*** about the art.
